The Person Your Child Will Marry; how your relationship affects your children

I grew up in a home where my parents were divorced. I always looked on the bright side of it. While my father loved the outdoors, my mother didn’t so when they parted ways, there was a lot more camping. My dad stressed my mom out so when they parted she was a little calmer. My whole life has been spent trying to find the good in “bad” things and it has made me the person I am now; strong and resilient. I suffered a traumatic brain injury in Iraq and I tell anyone who asks “I am glad it happened” But that is another story. But trying to find the good in the bad didn’t stop my first marriage from ending in divorce.

                When it was all over my father sat me down and said “You married like I married.” What I got from that is we gravitate to what we know or have been taught, directly or indirectly. Children are learning how to interact with others by watching their parents. They are learning what is “normal” by what they see every day. If you fight and yell, they are learning that is how people communicate. I get very mad very quick and I am seeing it in my son. I KNOW I have to do things different to re-teach him fast before it becomes a part of HIS personality.

                What I have gained from being married twice is that most people get married too soon. They don’t give themselves time to mature and find stability in their lives. The second time around I was much wiser. I knew what I wanted and what I would not tolerate. I set some high goals knowing if I got most of them, I would have a better foundation. I know you CANT have it all but I figured out you can lessen the stress just by making better choices! Some of those were;

1.       I wanted someone who was happy with themselves that I didn’t feel I was their sole support group or “father figure”. I have kids; I don’t want an adult I have to raise. Teaching kids to be confidant and love who they are makes them so much stronger in life and able to combat the pressures of others.

2.       I wanted someone who would let me be me and compliment me, vice versa. There is nothing more gut wrenching than someone making you feel like you are not good enough. Growing together or apart is a reality. People don’t change easily. If you are with someone who has really bad habits and you think they will change, it’s not impossible but it’s a hard work. I want to teach me kids that to value the things that are important in a mate but also be realistic in the things that could be a tie breaker down the line.

3.       I wanted a person who had her own life. To me, there is nothing worse than when a person doesn’t have their own life, friends or hobbies. Your life becomes their life. It happens a lot with military wives and husbands. It’s noble to give things up, it’s a damn necessity at times, but people need to have their own goals and passions. That or they eventually become resentful or the other person finds it unattractive. I want to teach my kids to prioritize. That a relationship is important but they are better when you have YOUR life well balanced. It makes it easier to adjust to another’s in making two lives, one. 

4.       I wanted a woman who would make a great mom. Because my boys are going to want to marry someone just like mom! My girls are going to emulate someone JUST like mom. No matter how your kids say they want to be nothing like you, as I thought I was nothing like my father….I AM my father! Looks, voice, inflections, how we write, our love for writing, his quick anger, deep morals and ethics. I embrace the reality. The good and the bad

5.       I wanted a woman who could make me better and allow me to better her. Years ago I wrote a piece on the Mentor/Student relationship in which I went on to say that in a relationship there has always got to be the mentor and the student or it gets boring, impassioned and more so, unbalanced. The roles are NOT locked into one person. Both people take turns being the mentor and the student.  It’s not something you chose on a day to day basis; it is a level of maturity. Both open themselves up to learning from one another and have the humility to accept new information, try new things, and together become new and improved people. This is SO important for children. There are so many phases in the developing of children (most run parallel) and I have my own theory on teaching discipline;

a.       When they are toddlers they are in the first phase of “NO!” They are too young to understand. I say no because they are doing something wrong or something that will hurt themselves (touching fire)

b.      The second phase is when they get older and can understand what is going on and it is called “No, because…” “No, we don’t push other people because that is not nice and not acceptable, hence it will not be tolerated.”

c.       The third phase is important to me for many reasons. “NO means NO because I said SO” Children must learn to fully submit. If they don’t learn this then they WILL talk back and argue. There is a time for expression of one’s point of view and debating the issues. It’s not now. Because I said so! “Now clean your room.” If you always give your kids the “why” they will tend to ASK why for everything!

d.      The fourth phase is called “No, because I would be disappointed in you.” There was nothing that crushed my soul more than when my father said “I am disappointed in you.” I was mature enough to value his feelings and grasp what I had done wrong. If a child has this, he or she will think twice about doing what they KNOW to be wrong.

e.      The last phase is the “Understanding” phase in which they make their own choices based of what YOU have taught them about morals and ethics. Never let anyone tell you that “Well, their peers will be their biggest influence.” That is a bunch of lazy BS! Parents teach leadership. “Friends” often teach how to “follow” and “submit”.

I may have gotten off topic, but let me swing back around and finish with this; be the mentor to your children and allow them to show you new things. Allow them to be the teacher when the time is right because it will give them power and allow them to develop some of the qualities of a leader.

6.       I wanted someone who shared my values and faith. There is nothing more dividing than being with someone whom you can’t find common ground with. Most often people get married and never ask the REALLY important questions until it’s too late. So stuck in puppy love that they never ask or learn about a person’s deeper character. People wake up and wonder who this person is that I married? For me, a house that stands together never stands alone. It is important for children to first learn the basics of right and wrong. Once they know that, freedom of expression is very important. Mentoring is something that parents HAVE to do. It’s easier when the parents are on the same page, for everyone. 

Maria and I are not perfect. We know this and are determined to grow. One thing we do; is hug each other in front of our kids. Tell each other “I love you” “Thank you” “I am sorry” in front of our kids. We know they will base their relationship on what we show them and their presence reminds us to SAY to each other “I love you!” “Thank you” “I am sorry” because we really mean it.

 Maria with her dad

 My mother and father

Before we were married