Why My First Marriage Failed

Why My First Marriage Failed; A honest look back and cautionary tales for others

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There are many things I want to teach my kids about relationships and marriage. Most, what I did wrong and eventually got right. I have over ten years of marriage experience, under the best and worst conditions; for richer and poorer (when I was a young Marine).  In sickness (suffering a brain injury in Iraq) and in health. I have been dedicated and unfaithful. Most of all, I have taken responsibility for my actions and tried to really grasp what it is to make a relationship fruitful. 

I said “Fruitful” not “Make it work”. Learning that relationships SHOULD work, not BE work is important. No one likes “Work”. If you have a choice between going to Fiji or “Work” you would choose Fiji every time. That is why when we awake, get dressed, eat, kiss our spouses goodbye we say “Going to work.” We don’t say “Going on vacation.” I think some people treat marriage like a vacation. At first it is new and great, you love it. After awhile you miss home. At the end of it you can’t wait to leave. Why is that? From my experience some people instead of researching their destination let their wanderlust buy the tickets.

1.       We know what we want but have no clue what we need; it takes time and a ton of knowing one’s self to understand who YOU are and what another person can add to your life and what you have to offer someone else.

2.       We marry too young; young = immature = problems

3.       We have kids too soon; before a couple has time to learn about each other, BOOM, there is a baby and little time to do anything, but fight. Why is it when there is ZERO time in the day there is always time for a fight?

4.       We get married before having a career; a job is not a career. We do jobs to bide time till we choose a career. A career is something that you REALLY want to do with your time. When people are not doing what they want or have not accomplished goals in life, there is only so long a person can go till they want something more than a relationship can give them.

Now, some people to all these things and have little problems. That is great. I know a few and I envy them. I truly believe people have to fail to grow and I would NOT change anything that I have done because it has made me the man I am today. Here are some things failed at and what I learned from them

1.       I married too soon: I had always accepted responsibility early in life. This gave me a sense that I knew what I was doing. I was wrong. After years of bad timing with my high school love, I gave up and thought “I need to move on.” I met a woman who was younger than me. She was itching to get out of living with her family. We both made a hasty decision.

When I met Maria, it was nonstop questions. We both were at a point in our lives that we knew what was important to each other. Things like;

Do you want kids? How many?

What is your faith?

What do you do for a living?

What are your goals in life?

What are you passions?

What is the single most things you’re proud of?

Tell me about your family?

If we were married, is divorce an option? Even if one of us cheated?

The divorce question hit me hard. First, it was a really direct question to ask since we didn’t know each other that well. She let me know where she stood in life and was not looking for just a simple relationship where she was wasting her time with someone who didn’t have goals of marriage. I was already divorced so what WOULD stop me from getting another one? Why would I want to be with someone who I thought it possible? Maria and I are Catholic (I’m a convert). When I studied the faith behind marriage it was astonishing to me. It led me to understand that; (And you don’t need religion to find this, but I did.)

a.      Marriage is forever! It should be. So CHOOSE WISELY!

b.      I am choosing a mate for life. When you put it in those terms, it really makes you scrutinize the person HONESTLY without puppy love. FOR-EVER!

c.       If divorce is an option most people will not fix their issues.

d.      If I take my vows seriously I will want to work on things that are broken or need fixing.

e.       Do I have what it takes to commit to something this permanent?

2.       Till death do we part: Most people say it without any idea as to the gravity of the words? Hence, I divorced.

When I re-married, those same words held a vastly different importance to me. Maria is my binary star. We gravitate around each other and use each others presence to orbit the life we have made. BEFORE I married her I knew that if she parted from this world I could find no other……and I was satisfied with that. Most of all I took great comfort in knowing the same commitment I was willing to give, she was willing to give. We resonated together.

It takes the WILL of both people to resolve issues that come naturally with marriage.

3.       I was unfaithful: A year into our marriage, the high school love came back into my life. I had physically moved on but not mentally. I had an emotional affair (not physical but to me they are one and the same.) It caused a great deal of stress on my marriage and probably gave her a reason to later physically have affairs with others.

Maria once asked me if I believed that people are faithful for life. Kind of like, are we penguins? My answer was “No. In fact I believe the opposite.” She was shocked and said “So what keeps you from cheating” I answered “I am a grown ass man, I understand this and I accept my urges. I am also disciplined and focused. Yes, I see other attractive women just as you see other attractive men. The difference is I know who I am. I don’t have to play the games that uncertain or arrogant people play (when they are in a relationship). I made a commitment, not lightly. I am happy and even if I was not, I know my duty as a father and husband”

Not cheating takes discipline. It takes valuing you’re the one you are with. It takes honoring the vows you took and even if you didn’t take any vows, we all know what is right and what is wrong; to do wrong is in the ignorance of what is right. Ignorance is not an excuse.

4.       I was immature: I was Corporal of Marines in two years. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I had experienced everything there was. Once again I was wrong. I found myself in a marriage where the communication was horrible served up with a side order of spite. I wanted to zone out than try to fix it. I wanted a break when I came home from work. She needed a break from the kids. I only thought about my needs.

Maturity comes from experiences in life. I often pray to be wiser and at the same time I say “God, that doesn’t mean put me through hell! An easy route for a change would be great.”

Realizing that in a relationship, you ARE somewhat responsible for the others person’s happiness in that you should be adding to it, not taking from it or fully supplying it. 

5.       I couldn’t compromise: It was my way or the highway. We would fight all the time over anything and everything.

Some people think that fighting equals passion. This is true but it is an unhealthy type of passion. I spent seven years fighting and that is how I had learned to communicate. It wasn’t until I left and was in a new relationship that someone said “Dave, you don’t have to yell, we are talking. I am not yelling at you, don’t yell at me. We can discuss this. I love you.” WOW? WHAT! A conversation without yelling? I tried it and I liked it. After all these years I STILL had something that I needed to learn. It helped that I was dealing with a new level of maturity in a person.

6.       I was spiteful: At one point I got so made I didn’t want her to be happy. She always demeaned the fact that I was an enlisted man. Her father was an officer so she wanted me to become an officer. I felt like she wanted it for all the wrong reasons. When I was given the opportunity I flatly turned it down. I wanted to be an officer but my anger was so great I wanted it for the right reason. Pride made me screw myself in spite of myself.

While in Iraq as a private security specialist I was at the prime of my life making more money I could imagine. I had progressed so fast that I was going to be hired as a Site Supervisor for 3M. At 28! A position that was filled by 38-40 year olds who had retired from the military and had degrees. Two weeks before I was to leave for the new career I was in a car bomb attack. My life was altered in every way. I had to re-learn how to walk and talk. Life had new priorities. With every step came a new challenge. I gave up most of my pride and replaced it with humility. When healing at Casa Colina Neuro Rehab Center in Pomona Ca there would be days when I would break down. I checked myself in and all of a sudden I wanted to get out. I was hands down more cognitive than most of the other people in there. I didn’t like being woken up at 7am and made to take a bath. I hated my roommate who would scream in the night. The staff didn’t know about me being there voluntarily so when I told them I was going to check myself out they thought I was a crazy person telling crazy stories.

On my third day while sitting with the other residents (some who had severe issues) I was watching a nurse pass the ball to a guy who could only mutter and yell to communicate. I thought “God, this guy is crazy!”  And then it hit me; maybe people think that I am crazy. Just then the case manager came and apologized. She had checked my file and called my insurance company and in fact, I did check myself in and I could leave when I wanted. She was astonished when I told her that I wanted to stay. “David? You have been adamant about wanting to leave?” she asked. “I think maybe I need this. I have been so used to doing things my way. It’s time I did something that I am not comfortable with. If I stay, I don’t want a new roommate, I’ll deal with it. I won’t give you anymore grief about waking up.” She gave an approving nod.

7.       I couldn’t communicate: Communication is not just about talking. As a Security Specialist and Instructor for years, I never followed what I taught at home. I was a master at it in Iraq, dealing with tribal chiefs and at one time saving my own butt from an ambush, all using communication. At home it was like two people who spoke different languages, while hating each other. I didn’t want to listen to her and she didn’t want to listen to me. Nothing got solved. Some things of note are;

a.      When a woman is pissed off about something, whatever she says it is, it is NOT. Sometimes Maria will get mad at me and be on a banshee tangent and I will say “Maria, slow down. What are you really mad about?” It NEVER is what she got on me about in the first place. Women complaints are like ice burgs. What is below the surface is ten times bigger then what you see! Find out what the issue really is to solve it.

b.      Why men run! Women like to talk about issues that are bothering them. Men like to solve issues. When women want to talk about an issue, we get frustrated because we just want to solve it and get on with our lives. When we can’t stand listening, we withdraw. And when we withdraw ladies, how much does that piss you off and what do you want to do even MORE? You want to talk about why we just clammed up and walked out while following us around wanting to talk. We just get more frustrated until we either give up and talk or leave the house.

                                                              i.      WOMEN: Understand there is a time and place. Sometimes, just let it go.

                                                            ii.      MEN: Stay and talk or at least nod as if you understand what she is telling you. Extra points if you actually understand what she is telling you.

Communication is about SENDING and RECEIVING. I thought it was about me talking and her understanding. I will add, sometimes it’s the person you are talking to. I had learned that one person understanding how to have a conversation fails if the other can’t. Now, I listen more. I am very careful about what I say. Knowing what impact your words have is emotional intelligence. When Maria asks me if she looks fat…I KNOW how to lie! Do you want to be right or happy?