Marriage; It's Not a Chinese Finger Trap!!!!

One of the worst feelings?

Realizing you are with the wrong person.

Seeing your marriage grow further apart as each season passes.

My wife, Maria, often receives common questions about the perceived ‘perfection’ of our marriage. After all, we laugh often, support each other’s endeavors and allow each other to travel and enjoy evenings out with friends.

Let me begin by saying that no relationship is perfect. And definitely not ours. We use our struggles to understand instead of alienate. We have different hobbies, different personalities and different backgrounds. However, despite our differences, we have a common goal to love each other until the day we die. This level of commitment requires one to be unselfish, humble, compromising and understanding. It’s not easy, but since I’ve been through this marriage deal once before, these are some of my ramblings..

So why do most partnerships grow apart?

Because most people are selfish. They refuse to grow together.  They are unwilling to give (and forgive). If two people seek to give each other what they need and desire, things run smoother, there is a level of understanding that compliments the relationship.

Don’t allow your relationship to become a Chinese Finger Trap.

Like a Chinese Finger Trap, when two people pull in their own desire for freedom, they are not working together and actually making things worse. However, when they come together, with understanding, they experience true freedom. Sometimes, only one person has to stop moving for the other person to get out. Sometimes it takes ONE person to start the process of unraveling both from their trap.

Being happy in a relationship is NOT about being stuck together or joined at the hip. It is supporting the other person in their hopes, aspirations and dreams. It's taking the time to understand what makes you both happy and having a genuine desire to see each other happy. When we are the least stressed, the most fulfilled........that is when we are happy.

Some people don’t want their partner to be happy. They don't understand how to let go.

Most often, it’s because they are reflecting the unhappiness they feel within themselves.

My ex-wife used to always say "You just want someone to treat you like a king and pamper you!!!"

I never understood her method of thinking. HELL YES THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!!! She couldn't understand that I had already treated her like a queen and if she treated me like a king......we could rule this relationship...........together. Some people see submission as weakness and that is a shame because "submission" in a relationship really mean "humility." Being humble is a great quality while being arrogant is nothing but selfishness. It eats at people like a cancer.

Happiness doesn’t have to be in the form of lavish vacations, expensive jewelry or fine dining. Most importantly, happiness doesn’t mean it has to come from the OTHER person. Happiness comes from within and finding your daily flow and gratitude in your life. For us, we find happiness in the simplest moments with our children and with our hobbies. I like to go to the movies. I need to go! Maria isn’t a big TV/Movie watcher so I often go to the theater by myself (she watches the boys), zone out and let my imagination run wild.

Likewise, Maria needs to be organized and get her workout in or see a clean house to make her feel happy.\

These are some of the simplest things to keep us content. The bare minimum. There are tons of other things that keep us riding high in life and keeping us mentally above water when it comes to the stresses of life, kids, bills, deadlines and aspirations.

One of those things is travel.

Knowing we have joint goals makes us work together to make it happen. We forgo the latest gadgets or concerts and find discounts whenever we can so we can build our savings to do the things we really want to do in this life.

For example, I drive and own outright a 2001 minivan with an AM/FM tape deck and one speaker broken. Why? I could easily buy a new car, yet I have to, every month, when MY little visitor comes, (envy) stop, take a deep breath and say to myself "Yes, I want that Stingray! I earned it! BUT, that's 500.00 a month times twelve. What could I do with 6000.00 a year?"

I know exactly what I can do with it. Maria and I travel. Sometimes alone. Coming together and freeing your mate from the finger trap  It's not about keeping count. With my involvement in Team Rubicon, I travel frequently. With my brothers tattoo expo I have made it a personal goal to be there with him each year so I can help in any way. This year I have traveled more than Maria but I am certain her endeavors will encourage more future travel for her. When she gets restless (which she often does) I say "Pick a place and go!" And she knows I mean it.

I don't mind being a single parent for a week or two. Hell, I took care of 60 Marines as a platoon sergeant! That's like 60 gown children with emotions, attitudes, injuries, arrests and one lieutenant whom you have to wipe his ass two or three times a day and make sure his ego doesn't get hurt, all while trying to train everyone and attempt to better yourself.

Maria and I have planned out the next 10 and 20 years. We have goals. We don't bend our goals to our budget, we work harder and bend our budget around or goals. If we want to travel as much as we do, we make it happen, no excuses.

I am 100% who I want to be because Maria lets me be me.

The most important person to ‘fix’ in a marriage is yourself first. You need to find what makes you happy and be satisfied with who you are as a being. Then you need to lovingly commit to your partner realizing his/her imperfections. If you make joint goals together all the minor daily actions can mean something, to the both of you, and ultimately make you work harder together in your relationship. Relationships take work. It takes sacrifice. Most of all, it takes commitment.

It's not hard to find common ground, it's an island, plain to see, surrounded by the waters of ego. If you willing to swim, you can get there.

     

                                                     Maria hates this picture but I like it

                                                                  Our first road trip

                                                                      Christian in DC

                                                                         Cruise

                                                                Maria and I in Hawaii