Getting A Divorce? Some secrets you should know

         The divorce rate is around 50% in the US. That means that EVERY other wedding you attend, will fail! I often look to my wife at weddings and say "Think they will make it?"

I am very delighted when I can look at a couple and NOT have to ask that, because, they seem grounded, mature and in the relationship for all the right reasons. Trust me, there are plenty of wrong reasons.

In my first marriage I remember my Squad Leader (in the Marines) telling me "DO NOT DO IT! YOU JUST MET HER!!!!!!!" I thought he was a bitter person because he was divorced. I'm not going to make any foolish decisions, right?! It's usually that type of arrogance that leads people down the wrong path, or.....wrong aisle. I do not regret anything I have done! I don't tempt fate or my sanity by trying to "wonder if". I have two beautiful girls and a strong son out of my first marriage. If Maria (my current wife) taught me anything, it was to respect and find the good in what I thought was a horrible time, just because the end was tragic.My brain injury taught me that you have no idea where bad things are going to take you in life BUT as long as you CHOOSE to see the good, you will FIND the good.

I learned many things that will save you MONEY! TIME! and a little bit of your SANITY!

• IF possible, you can figure things out WITHOUT a lawyer! Average cost for a divorce is 4000.00 and upwards of 12,000.00
• Anger usually is the driving force. So cool down before you run and get representation. Most of ANYTHING a lawyer can do, YOU can do yourself with filing at the court. You are paying a person to tell you everything's going to be all right.
• IF you or your spouse LAWYER UP you need to know;
• NEVER go into the meeting scared for your life! Don't sit there and tell the lawyer all your emotional drama. HE WILL FEED off that and charge you MORE. The worse it sounds, the more he charges. In the end he will do the same amount of work regardless! 
• ALWAYS get a FLAT PRICE!!!!!!!!! Settle on a flat fee and hold him to it! IF you let him bill you per hour he will milk you till you're broke!
• Assume anything he promises is bullshit. He/she will tell you that you will win, get the kids blah blah blah. NOTHING is decided until the end and UNTIL then, they will send you to mediation (THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY EXTRA FOR) they will send you to a psychiatrist (THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY EXTRA FOR) and NONE of that bullshit will EVER make it before the courts eyes 9 times out of 10.
• Assume that your lawyer and your spouses lawyer are best friends, they play golf together, so no matter how they talk about each other or your spouse, it's a damn game meant to placate you. If you think different, you're a fool. A lawyer gets paid to get you QUICKLY to sign and get out of his life. The more time you take of his, the more he can't get new clients.
• OH, by the way, he is ALWAYS getting new clients so don't think it will be fast or that you are special.
• 9 out of 10 divorces go to mediation. This is a process where you and your spouse and the lawyers sit in a room right out side the court room and haggle out what each of you want or moreso, what you are willing to compromise on. Your lawyers BOTH have already talked behind your backs and have decided what THEY will give and take. Before you know it, you will have GIVEN too much and screw yourself. NEVER back down on what you want IF it's not insane. Joint physical and legal custody? Screw what your spouse and their lawyers say or threaten. IF they wont concede say "This discussion is OVER, lets go into the next room and let the judge decide!" and stick to your guns! When you do this the FIRST person oddly enough that will try and KEEP you in that room and "calm" you down is YOUR lawyer!! Why is that? Because YOU are NOT playing the game to his liking! You are a chess piece to him/her. 
• Go over ALL the stipulations in the divorce decree. EVERY little line has repercussions in the future. Don't give in to anything you do not deem as fair and don't require anything outlandish that doesn't benefit the kids. 
• Be reasonable in your demands.
• Know when you DO need a lawyer. As horrible as I think they are, there are times when you DO need them.
• If your spouse is alleging child abuse or any abuse.
• If your spouse gets a restraining order against you
• If you plan to be out of state
• If your spouse is so jacked up that he or she is a danger to the kids. (Now, don't be an asshole and claim that your spouse is a danger to your kids when you are just emotional and angry.) Often times, you and your spouse were horrible together but you are good parents.
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• DO NOT USE THE KIDS AS A WEAPON. There is nothing more despicable than a parent who uses the kids to hurt the spouse. ONE day those kids will grow up, having heard all of the BS and seen the way you treated each other and the victor will be the parent who through ALL of it, took the higher road.
• If kids are involved;
• Set up visitation. It may be hard in the beginning as tempers are flared
• Never talk bad about your spouse in front of the kids
• Make sure if child support is order, you pay it. You can have an agreement with your spouse, or the court can have the state manage it. 
• Use your time together to make lasting memories.
• Track the dates, times and what you did when you are with them.

Most of all, try and stay calm. Divorce is hard. When I met my current wife we talked about all aspects of life and agreed that divorce wasn't an option if we decided to marry. The conversation makes one really think about what they are getting themselves into. NO DIVORCE?? A person has to be really confidant and mature to realize that level of commitment..........Which at the point when I decided to ask Maria to marry me, I had attained. We are in it for the long run and my hope is that if you are in the process of divorce or separated you can;

1. Take a step back and try to work it out for the reason you both fell in love. I told Maria that IF my ex-wife hadn't kept my kids from me and been so spiteful, there MAY have been a chance for us. We needed time a part and I needed to heal from my brain injury and regain my sanity. 

2. If you divorce, LEARN from YOUR mistakes. DO NOT blame it solely on the other person. Take responsibility for YOUR actions....you married that person. Try and not make the same mistake the next time in who YOU choose.

I wish you the best. There is always a brighter side, you just have to look for it.