A Letter to My Kids (Divorce and Despair)

Dear Loves of My Life,

This weekend I spent time with some good friends, all of them fathers. All of them separated from the women who gave birth to their children. All of us perfectly imperfect humans that love our kids. It gave me comfort to share my story with them and get support from people that know the struggle of loving while hurting internally.

I loved your mother once. We both made mistakes and we fell out of love. This wasn't your fault. But I know you paid a price for our decisions. We paid a price also. There was no fixing what was broken and we are both better people for separating and finding better paths. But are you better?

It's easy to look at me and see my new path and feel resentful. I remarried, I'm doing very well despite my brain injury. You have three more half brothers and together with your stepmom, Maria, we've built a good life together. A life that you have every right to resent deep down. I understand it and I empathize with your possible feelings of abandonment, frustration and loss.

We all have the opportunity to change our perspective and it starts with trying to seek understanding of the big picture. This life can seem so small but in actually it's more massive than you can understand right now. In this fleeting world, we need to have a deep discussion because life comes and goes and we may not have tomorrow. I wish we could have this conversation face to face but with this letter, you can always go back a re-read it. When you're ready, we can have that deeper talk in person - when you're willing.

Let me start by asking a question... Do you think I am a bad person?

Hold that answer in your head. There is no right or wrong answer to that question. It's what you feel.

Now, I would like to ask you a few more questions...

Do you think I love you?

Have I hurt you?

Do you think I wanted to intentionally hurt you?

Do you think I have forgotten you because we are both far away?

Do you understand how I feel?


This last question is a hard question. Why? Because when your mother and I separated, I felt so much as it was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I remember watching as your mom moved all of you to your grandparents house. I remember feeling sad and a sense of loss. I remember the unfair restraining order and fighting to see you every week. I remember trying as hard as I could and feeling like every step I took forward, I was taking two steps backward.

But I didn't give up, I've never given up.

When we were apart from each other and I was in rehab for my brain injury, you were missing me, maybe even hating me because your mom was angry and I'm sure it effected you. It happens. While you were playing in the yard, going to school, missing me, trying to find some sense of normal, I was learning how to walk and talk again. Fighting my inner demons and failures, missing you deeply. It took a very long time to build myself back up so I could eventually like, even love myself in order to like and love others. Months had gone by before we saw each other and the restraining order made it worse.

As a parent, like all parents, you all gave me strength to continue. When I wanted to give up, when suicide ran through my head while huddled in the dark laundry room of Casa Colina, I thought of you. I thought about how my actions could hurt you even more. Since that day not a second goes by that I don't try and fill your heart with joy, as much as I can, as much as you allow me.

Let me ask you another question? Do you love your step-father?

I hope you do! When you were born Sydney, I was scared! I didn't know how I was going to raise a little girl. Boys are easy, after all, I came from a family of all men! I know how to raise men! I am Marine, I am rough, direct, confident and a bit cocky. Having a daugher as my first child taught me I could be so much more. Sydney, you helped me learn how to be gentle.

It wasn't hard for me to love you but when your sister was coming, I was petrified as to if I could love her the same? Piper taught me that our hearts can expand to carry infinite amounts of love and our hearts can withstand vast amounts of pain, IF you let love push the pain out.

And so, I hope you love your step father. Because you can love and love and there is no wrong way to love and you should never feel guilty for who you love or the amount of love you have for people. You will never be made to choose between two loves because THAT is NOT loving. A person who would take love away from you or make you choose is a person that cares more about themselves than you. So all I ask is try and love everyone in your own way, just a little, even your enemies. Hate takes way to much effort and time out of your heart and mind.

As you love your step father, I love my family here also. That may hurt to hear. Your first thought is that IF I love my new life then it must be better than my old life, and you may THINK you are a part of my old life, hence loved less, given less. You are a constant in my life. When you are not thinking of me, I am always thinking of you.

This very complex for me to explain. We should all grow and be better than we were ten or even one year from ago. We should try to excel and have more to offer. I can't hate my life, new wife, new children or where I live just because it came from a different path. We take the paths we choose and sometimes are forced upon us and if we are wise, we make the best of that journey no matter where it leads. Me being happy, although it may seem at your expense, is me making the best of a situation. Whether it is a good or bad situation is how you end up, eventually making it.

I have made it the best for me and I hope you all see, that my everlasting commitment to you through the years, visiting, texting and fighting to see you each summer, was my attempt to try and help you, give you tools and opportunity to aid you on that path to self discovery, love and a new perception. It's not been easy.......for the both of us.

Listening to music, writing poetry, helping others helps me express the joy and pain of being a parent. When you get a chance, listen to "Human" by Jon Bellion.

You should know, that as your parent, we may not always see eye to eye. We are all hurt in different ways. As a child, we tend to only think of ourselves. It's very normal and a process of growing into our egos. We tend to have our pain to consume us, taking little time to understand the pain of others. As we all get wiser, arguments that are passionate turn into talks with a mission of first understanding the pain of others, then communicating our own pain. The result from this is usually understanding that things weren't done to us with the intent to hurt us, that hurt is the side effects of our actions, good or bad sometimes.

I don't think, if you answered "Do you think I love you?" with a "Yes." that given some reflection, you could answer "Do you think I wanted to hurt you intentionally?" with a "Yes."

Because that's the last thing I would ever do, is to purposefully hurt you. So if I have hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't set out with that intent.

All a parent can hope for, all I can hope for, is that one day you look at me with loving eyes and see a human. The warrior poet that loved you. The father who fought to see you. The man who was proud of all your accomplishments and has always been your constant.

The last question I will ask you, "Do you think we all deserve forgiveness?"

The reason I ask that is because we love each other whether or not we know it or can articulate it. Our paths together will get easier with time if we commit to walking it together. It will NOT be without tripping and falling. I will make mistakes. I am only human. Try and forgive us (parents) and understand the path is long and beautiful.

The destination is not the journey. The journey, good and bad is what will shape the awesome that you WILL be. Always remember to see the good in people.

Either way, you are dearly loved,

Dad